why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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