Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
