You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Randomize
