im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
whose ass print is on the piano?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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