for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
