he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I have aggressive nipples.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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