i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
