Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So I just went to clothing optional bar
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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