dude i'm inner monologue high
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
