Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
