Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
