If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
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What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
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All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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