I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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