A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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