Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
