If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
