my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
