I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
