roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He? As in you personified your dick?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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