FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
