break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
