Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
