If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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