Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
