he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We had sex on a dog bed..
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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