i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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