I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
