So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
