in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
