I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
