I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
