she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
whose parrot is this?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
