he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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