Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
