So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
