the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
