Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
