How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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