I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
