Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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