From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
