Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
