Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
