My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
