D3 body, D1 cock
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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