I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
