you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
