We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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