She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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