I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
