You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
