the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
