how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
not ubering you a puppy
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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