I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
