I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
